How to Stop Helicopter Parenting Without Losing Sight of Your Child

You are probably closer to your children than your own parents were to you. You say 'I love you' more often, you talk through feelings and you know their friends by name. That closeness is a strength. It can also tip into hovering, where you fix every problem before your child has had a chance to try.

What Is Helicopter Parenting

Helicopter parenting describes a parent who hovers over a child's every move and swoops in at the first sign of trouble or disappointment. The term dates from 1990 and covers three kinds of behaviour: keeping close tabs on a child's schedule, whereabouts and marks; stepping into their conflicts with friends, teachers or coaches; and limiting their freedom to make decisions and mistakes of their own.

Of the three, keeping tabs does the least harm. Young adults whose parents simply stayed well informed, without stepping in or taking control, made better decisions and did better at their studies. The trouble starts when knowing turns into doing.

What Hovering Does to Children

Children learn to calm themselves, solve problems and recover from failure the same way they learn to walk: by practising, falling and trying again. Each time you rescue your child from a manageable struggle, you remove a practice round.

The effects show up early. Children whose parents were over-controlling at the age of two had poorer control over their emotions and behaviour at five. By ten, the children who had managed their emotions well at five had fewer emotional and social problems and did better at school. Among university students, those with the most hovering parents reported stronger symptoms of anxiety and depression and found decisions harder. Children of parents who overreact to mistakes or set rigid academic expectations also tend to become more self-critical, with a fear of getting anything wrong.

Signs You Are Hovering

• You do or redo your child's homework.
• You contact teachers or coaches about every mark or team selection.
• You sort out fallings-out between your child and their friends.
• Your child expects hard tasks to be done for them.
• Your child freezes in situations most children their age can handle.
• Your child has started telling you less.

Helicopter Parent or Tiger Mum

The two are often confused. A tiger mum pushes for achievement through strict rules and high expectations. A helicopter parent hovers to protect a child from harm, failure or upset. The motives differ, but both leave a child with less room to choose and to learn from what goes wrong.

Let Your Child Struggle Before You Step In

When your child is stuck on a puzzle, a zip or a maths problem, count to twenty before you help. Parents of socially anxious children tend to step in before being asked, which can teach a child that challenges are more threatening than they are. A short wait often ends with your child solving it, and the pride of doing so builds more confidence than any praise.

Keep Track Without Taking Over

Know where your child is, who their friends are and how school is going. Stop at knowing. Ask about their day with open questions, such as 'Who did you sit with at lunch?', and listen without jumping to solutions.

Let Small Mistakes Carry Small Consequences

If your child forgets their PE kit, do not drive it to school. Missing one lesson costs little and teaches a lot. Save your intervention for consequences that are unfair or would cause lasting harm.

Coach Your Child Through Friendship Problems

When a friend upsets your child, resist the urge to message the other parent. Ask instead: 'What could you say to her tomorrow?' Help your child rehearse the words. Learning to speak up respectfully is a skill they will use for life.

Hand Over Everyday Jobs

Children grow more capable when you give them real responsibility. A toddler can put toys away, a six-year-old can pack a school bag and a ten-year-old can make a simple breakfast. Accept that the result will be messier than if you had done it yourself.

Ask Questions Instead of Giving Answers

When your child brings you a problem, reply with 'What do you think you could do?' before offering your own idea. Children who come up with their own solutions trust their judgement more, and you will often be surprised by how good their ideas are.

Watch Closely Early and Loosen Gradually

Close attention in the early years is right, especially around screens and social media. The aim is to teach your child what is safe and appropriate, then step back a little more each year. Cracking down suddenly in the teenage years, after years of little supervision, tends to backfire.

Match Your Approach to Your Child

Siblings need different handling. An impulsive, daring child may need firmer limits, while a cautious child who stays close to you may need encouragement to take more risks. Watch what your child can manage and adjust.

If the pressure to get parenting right is what keeps you hovering, our guide to becoming a confident parent may help, and our look at the parenting trends overwhelming millennial mothers shows how much of that pressure comes from outside your own home.