Tough Love and Other Parenting Trends Overwhelming Millennial Mothers

Michael Owen does not tell his four children that he loves them. The former England striker said so this autumn on Jamie Laing's Great Company podcast, describing his children as the most precious things in his life while explaining that the words do not come. 'I just assume my actions would show them that I love them. I think most of us are like that,' he said. Pressed by Laing, he added that he would like to be a little softer and was getting there, but was still not soft enough to say it.

Searches for Owen's parenting style have climbed sharply since, and the BBC asked parents and parenting writers whether it matters. Aaron Dale, host of the Raisingboys2men podcast, told the broadcaster that words and actions should work together rather than compete. 'Words are to speak the message and actions are the evidence,' he said.

For many millennial mothers, the debate arrived on an already crowded feed. Tough love is one of several parenting ideas competing for their attention, and each comes with its own rules and its own guilt.

Tough love is making a comeback against official advice

The phrase dates back decades and usually means firm limits, high expectations and affection that is shown rather than said. Its revival online runs against the direction of official guidance. In 2024 the Department of Health and Social Care's Start for Life campaign urged parents to cuddle their babies as much as they like and to comfort them when they cry, after a survey found that more than half of parents believed they had been given unhelpful advice in their baby's early life, such as leaving a child to cry it out. Nearly a third said they now felt guilty for following it.

'18 summers' turns every holiday into a deadline

The idea that parents get only 18 summers with a child before they leave home is often traced to Jim and Jamie Sheils, authors of The Family Board Meeting, and it resurfaces on social media every July. Its supporters say it is a reminder to put the phone down. Its critics, many of them working mothers, say it turns six weeks without school into pressure to manufacture perfect memories while still holding down a job. Many families also stay close well after 18.

FAFO lets children learn the hard way

FAFO parenting, named after a crude internet phrase that roughly means mess around and find out, lets children feel the natural results of their choices. A child who refuses a coat feels the cold. Kelly Oriard, a family therapist, told Hola! that the approach appeals partly because parents are tired. 'FAFO parenting is resonating right now, as many parents are extremely overwhelmed,' she said.

Psychologists support natural consequences in principle, with conditions. Kelly Gough, president of the Australian Psychological Society, told ABC News that the consequences must be safe and suited to the child's age. 'If you expect a four-year-old to understand the consequences of something complicated, you are being unfair,' he said.

Gentle parenting is now the trend people push back against

Gentle parenting, which centres on recognising a child's feelings while holding boundaries, dominated parenting content for several years. Its critics now argue that it is too easy on children and too hard on parents, who are expected to stay calm through every tantrum. Its defenders reply that gentle parenting done properly has always included firm limits, and that the permissive version critics describe is a misreading.

The mothers carrying it all

The trends would matter less if mothers had energy to spare. In a survey of 2,000 American mothers by Talker Research for the family app It's a Family Thing, carried out in April 2026, nearly half of millennial mothers said that organising and reminding the rest of the household left them mentally drained, and about one in five said it made them resentful, more than any other generation. Asked what would lighten their load, mothers with children at home most often chose more personal time, followed by more help from family.

In Canada, an Ipsos survey of 1,001 mothers for the insurer GreenShield, published on 24th August, found that 92% felt responsible for keeping track of most family tasks, and 70% of millennial mothers described their mental load as high, more than Gen X or Gen Z mothers.

Taking what helps and leaving the rest

None of these labels describes a whole family. Most parents borrow from several: firm about bedtime, gentle about fear of the dark, happy to let a child who refuses a coat feel the chill for a minute. The research behind the trends points in a consistent direction. Children need boundaries, safe chances to learn from mistakes, and to know they are loved, whether a parent says it, shows it or, as Dale argued, does both.

Our earlier piece on the 'No Contact' trend and the 'doormat mom' looks at what happens to these relationships once children are grown.